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agatha christie, book-review, books, dog, fiction, funny, socks, whodunit, writing
The sun rose at 6.03 on the morning of 6th January 2026 and already the temperature is 26 degrees and climbing.
There was no wind to speak of and for all intents and purposes it looks like a normal summer’s day in Balmain one of Sydney’s inner suburbs not far from the iconic harbour bridge.
Inside their cozy terrace home the Rothchild family are sitting around the kitchen table gulping down bowls of corn flakes with vegemite layered with loads of butter on the side.
‘I bet you are excited about your netball final tomorrow morning Maddie?’ Amy Rothchild asks her daughter while she takes her empty bowl over to the sink.
‘I sure am mum’ replies Maddie replies chewing on her first piece of toast ‘With my super human shooting power and lightning footwork the other team won’t know what hit them.’
Across the table Maddie twin brother Marcus rolls his eyes ‘Netball is easy if you are tall and gawky but you shouldn’t last five minutes in a game of rugby league where you need to be tough and strong and run up and down the field, not stand in one spot waiting for the ball to be thrown to you, no wonder you are getting a little porky Mads.’
Before Maddie gets a chance to say anything Richard Rothschild holds up a hand ‘Marcus say sorry to your sister that remark was uncalled for ‘Sorry sis, I hope you win the game tomorrow and take home player of the match.’
With siblings there can be a fine line between love and intense competition.
After Richard leaves to go to work at his law firm and the twins have gone upstairs to change into their school uniforms Amy sits down to have a well earned cup of coffee and a cold slice of toast.
As she drinks her espresso Amy thinks about her family and how lucky she is to have them in her life.
Sure the twins who will turn 11 years old in May may bicker and fight every now and then but deep down there is a genuine love for each other.
Maddie the elder of the two by one hour is now a little tall for her age and she can be a bit gawky at times but she is a confident extroverted child with lovely long blonde hair and sparkling green eyes who loves to be the centre of attention.
Marcus on the other hand who despite his out burst at breakfast is timid and wary around other people so he spends a lot of time in his room playing video games but since he started playing footy last year Marcus is slowly starting to come out of his shell and unlike his twin he has wavy dark brown hair, green eyes and is of average height for his age.
At the kitchen sink washing up the dishes Amy pats her belly and smiles because she has a secret to share with Richard at their 11th wedding anniversary dinner tonight.
After kissing the twins goodbye, leaving them in the capable hands of their neighbour Catherine Richard drives Amy towards the harbour where they will celebrate their anniversary with family and friends.
‘Bugs and Hugs’ is a seafood restaurant located on the water with a stunning view of the opera house and luna park and it is famous for having the freshest seafood in town that includes of course huge Balmain Bugs.
The extended family eat until they are about ready to burst, around 9 o’clock things begin to wind down and after saying a final congratulations to the happy couple the last of the well wishers depart.
‘Alone at last’ Richard says ‘I can’t believe how fast the years have flown by and why you chose me of me to be your husband when you could have picked someone better looking.’
‘What are you talking about?’ Amy whispers ‘The first time I saw your smile and jet black hair across the room at university I was smitten, you reminded me of a Clark Kent who quickly turned into my superman.’
‘I might have to start wearing my underpants on the outside’ Richard laughs ‘But seriously Amy when I asked you out on our first date I thought that I had died and gone to heaven’
Leaving the restaurant the happy couple drive home hoping that the twins are in bed so they can celebrate their anniversary alone but when Richard pulls in the driveway Catherine the babysitter is standing outside the front door waiting for them. ‘What’s wrong Catherine? Did the twins play up more than usual?’ Amy implores the babysitter. ‘No, Mrs Rothschild ‘But Maddie had a bit of tantrum over a missing sock or something so I thought that I should warn you before you went inside.’
‘Thanks Catherine, come by in the morning and I will pay you for tonight.’
‘Mummy you know that i have a favourite pair of netball socks right?’ Amy nods her head even though she has no idea what her daughter is talking about ‘Just wear another pair to your final, after all it is just a sock what’s the big deal?’
‘WHAT’S THE BIG DEAL?’ Maddie screams ‘I have worn the same pair of socks for eleven weeks straight and we have won every game and now i am supposed to wear another pair of socks for the final game of the year? The other girls will laugh at me, can’t you do anything mum?’
‘Honey I don’t know where your sock has gone to, maybe the tooth fairy took it by mistake. ‘Or’ Marcus says in amusement ‘Maybe your sock has been kidnapped by a rascally gang of thieves who are now all holding their breath after getting a whiff of your stinker.’
Amy and Richard struggle to contain smiles at their son’s strange sense of humour ‘Thank you Marcus for your input’ Richard smirks ‘But you aren’t exactly helping the situation.’
Marcus just shrugs his shoulders before returning to his video game.
‘See mum even my dorky brother isn’t taking my situation seriously.’
‘Calm down Maddie everything will turn out okay, you’ll see.’
But of course everything didn’t turn out okay because after missing two easy shots at goal in her netball final Maddie lost all confidence and was replaced and to make matters worse her team The Heat lost to their fierce rivals The Raptor’s 35-16.
Surprisingly Maddie was cool calm and collected on the way home plus Amy brightened everyone’s mood by stopping at KFC for a huge bucket of finger licking chicken pieces.
After devouring their lunch the Rothschild family all get changed into some ‘I wouldn’t dare wear these daggy clothes in public’ before settling down in front of the big arse TV to watch ‘Frozen’ for perhaps the 27th time.
Halfway through the movie Amy fills the washing machine with dirty clothing and as she does Amy is once again bewildered how a family of four can wear as many clothes as a small army in just a day.
As she loads the machine Amy notices the offending pair of netball socks and smiles ‘Come out nice and clean or better yet just disappear and become a part of the missing sock legend.’
An hour later after hanging out the wash Amy lays down on the couch for her customary 20 minute nanna nap to freshen up but as she snoozed Amy had a nightmare about a huge one eyed purple monster who went on a rampage killing children and stealing all of their socks and to make matters worse when she brought in the dry clothing one of the netball socks was missing
As she prepared dinner that night Amy tried to put the sock that had gone M.I.A out of her mind but she couldn’t shake the feeling that one of the neighbours with a sock fetish was stealing socks to satisfy their sick minds.
After the kids had finished eating they both went into their rooms letting Amy question Richard in private’ Honey, I know that this might sound weird but do you know anyone around here who has a desire to collect socks?’
‘No, but old man Jenkins two doors down likes to wear his wives dresses when he mows his backyard but as far as sock collecting goes nobody springs to mind, why do you ask dear?’
;Well, when i brought the clothes in earlier one of Maddie’s netball socks was missing and i know that I hung them both on the line so I am thinking that we should have a motion detector installed to catch the thief in the act.’
‘Amy don’t you think that you are overreacting just a bit because after all it is just the odd missing sock’ but after seeing the look of dismay on his wives face Richard’s demeaner softens ‘But if a motion detector will put your mind at ease I will look into it and have one installed pronto.’
‘Thank you Richard I knew that you would understand because knowing that someone is coming into yard to pinch some socks gives me the creeps.’
A technician arrives on Wednesday to install the motion detector sensor and immediately he has a feeling that the lady of the house might be a Karen in waiting ‘Excuse me Nigel but please make sure that the sensor picks up any slight movement in every inch of the backyard because I want to catch the sock thief in the act.’
‘Sorry Mrs Rothchild but that isn’t a very good idea because if I do what you ask any small animal like a mouse, cat or a possum crossing your yard will be spotted which means that the sensor light will flash a hundred times a night.’
‘I hear what you are saying Nigel but please do as I ask and make sure that you use the brightest light bulbs on the market.’
‘Sure thing Mrs Rothschild, I have the perfect lights for you out in my van.’
After fetching a couple of bulbs normally used to illuminate a cricket ground Nigel wanders back whistling an old Aerosmith classic ‘Bright Light Fright’.
The Rothschild family are all seated around the dinner table that night talking about their day while they eat when suddenly the motion sensor is activate causing them to dive for cover.
‘Holy crap’ Marcus screams excitedly ‘I think a freaking UFO just landed in our backyard.’
Running towards the back door Maddie hollers out ‘Hopefully E.T is onboard and wants to come inside to play.’
‘Come back here you two’ Richard demands’ Okay Amy what did you tell the technician to do?’
Sheepishly tells her husband that she told Nigel to install the brightest lights that he had ‘I guess he took me at my word.’
‘He sure did Amy, our yard will now surely be visible from outer space.’
Shaking his head Richard goes out and deactivates the motion sensor.
While the ruckus detracted the Rothschild family another sock has been taken from right under their noses.
Once the kids had settled down Richard calls Nigel who promises to come around in the morning in replace the blinding bulbs with more suitable replacements. ‘Please don’t listen to my wife, she has a bad case of the missing socks blues.’
‘I heard that’ Amy yells out from the living room.
Feeling a little sheepish Richard opens the fridge and pours a glass of Amy’s favourite wine from a cask as a peace offering but when the fridge door closes he notices a lone sock draped over a kitchen chair ‘What the fuck’ he whispers not wanting the kids to hear him swear.
After looking under the kitchen table Richard shakes his head in dismay ‘What are you doing in here Richard?’ Amy asks ‘I heard you pour a glass of wine five minutes ago.’
‘Jesus Amy, you scared the crap out of me, I was just looking for something that I misplaced earlier.’
‘Would it happen to be a sock Richard?
‘Well now that you mention, one of my socks I left fraped over a chair has gone walkabout.’
‘Lets not talk about socks anymore, why don’t we go into the living room and relax and maybe talk about trying another Karma Sutra position when the kids are asleep.’
‘Richard the last time we did that you ended up in hospital with a slipped disc in your back so no more Karma Sutra for me thank you very much.’
‘Missionary is nice but who knows what will happen honey bunch.’
‘What are you two whispering about over there? Marcus enquires from across the room.
‘I swear Marcus, you have the hearing of a bat but I was just telling your father that we should donate to the mission church down the street.’
‘Cool, I just thought that you might have been talking about sex that’s all.’
Richard and Amy burst out laughing ‘No son’ Richard replies ‘We are a Christian family who believe in abstinence, now it is time for bed and don’t forget to brush your teeth first.’
‘Come on Maddie, let’s leave before mum and dad alone they decide to some Karma Sutra Christian sex.’
‘Richard about our sock situation, did you know that socks have been mysteriously disappearing all over the world for hundreds of years?’
‘Yes Amy I have heard about the crazy cotton blend sock Bermuda Triangle but can we please talk about something else for a change?’
‘Do you think that I am crazy Richard? Because I will have you know that I will stop searching for the culprit responsible for the missing socks, also Richard did you happen to know that since we moved in here almost fifty socks have done the dipsy doodle, so stick that in your pipe and smoke it.’
‘Amy calm down, you are completely overreacting to a little issue and to tell you the truth I think that you should see your doctor and get a prescription for your mood swings.’
‘Mood swings? Amy screams loudly ‘That’s it Richard you go and perform your Karma Sutra Christian sex position’s one handed but don’t come crying to me when you do you back in again.’
‘I will sleep on the couch where I will get some peace and quiet not having to listen to your chainsaw snoring all night.’
Knowing that he has lost this argument Richard holds his head up and toddles off to bed.
After tossing and turning on the couch Amy decides to go and do something constructive but first makes herself a cup coffee while she decides what household chore to do first.
As she sips the soothing drink Amy’s eyes keep drifting towards the open laundry door where the washing machine of ill repute resides ‘Alright you evil machine, tell me where you have stashed all of my family’s missing socks right this minute because if you don’t I will tear you apart rivet by rivet.’
Leaving the dregs of her coffee behind Amy grabs Richard’s toolbox from a shelf in the laundry ‘Last chance, speak up now or be nothing but a pile of metal by days end.’
‘Daddy wake up, I think that someone is trying to break into our house.’
After a few more shakes Richard finally responds ‘What are you doing in here Marcus, I was having a nice dream about a woman who expertise was, well I will tell you more about it when you turn sixteen.’
‘Daddy stop talking and listen, someone is at the backdoor trying to break in.’
Sticking an ear up Richard clearly hears faint noises coming from the laundry ‘I think you are right Marcus, now go back to you room while I go out to the laundry to see what in the hell is happening.’
‘But Daddy’ a scared Marcus whispers to his father ‘What if it is a big monster trying to break in?’
‘Don’t worry son’ Richard whispers back ‘Monsters are usually inside already hiding in a closet or under a bed now go back to your room and don’t worry.’
When he reaches the bottom of the stairs Richard’s brain tells him that it probably wasn’t a very smart idea to tell his young son that a monster could be hiding somewhere in his bedroom ‘Sorry son, just close your eyes and think good thoughts.’
Knowing that he will need a weapon of some sort Richard picks up an iron poker from the fire place before he silently creeps towards the laundry’.
‘Come out you fuckers I know you in there someplace.’
Upon hearing Amy’s voice Richard quickens his pace to discover a laundry full of discarded washing machine parts and his wife looking frustrated and forlorn.
‘Amy what in the fuck are you doing? You woken up the kids and probably the next door neighbours as well ‘Now what do you have to say for yourself?’
Before Amy can reply approaching police sirens fill the night air ‘Marcus must have called the police’ Richard tells his wife ‘He was one very frightened little boy Amy, he thought a monster was break in but I reassured him that monsters don’t need to break in’
‘I will stop talking now but the police will most certainly will have more to say about having to respond to a false alarm.’
After the police leave Richard comforts his distraught wife ‘Everything will be okay Amy, you let the missing socks get to you that’s all, remember yesterday when you told me that socks have been disappearing for hundreds of years and in all of that time nobody has come up with an answer to the puzzle.’
‘But to put your mind I will arrange for a private detective to come around plus a tradie to put the washing machine out of it’s misery.’
Amy smiles faintly ‘Thanks Richard, it is only 4.30 so we could go upstairs and practice a few more Karma Sutra positions?
‘Sorry’ Richard smiles’ ‘But I tried the one handed position you suggested last night and I think that i have damaged a tendon in my elbow.’
Laughing happily the pair of love birds head upstairs ‘ARRGGGGUUUUHHH’
Amy jumps out of her skin but Richard quickly calms her down ‘Don’t worry honey, Marcus probably thought he saw a monster in the closet, you go and get ready and I ‘Captain Stallion’ will be with you shortly.’
Three days later just after the Rothschild had finished lunch when three louds on the front door startles all of them ‘My God’ Maddie laughs ‘It is the Police Marcus, they have come to arrest you for being the dorkiest dork in dorkland.’
‘Very funny Maddie’ Marcus responds ‘But seeing that you almost set our school on fire last week smoking in the girl’s toilets they will probably put you in handcuffs and throw away the key.’
‘Settle down you two’ Richard demands ‘Maddie your mother and I will be having words with you later on.’
‘Everybody, this William Watkins the private investigator who has come to help us with our sock problem.’
‘I am at your service Mrs Rothschild, now if you wouldn’t mind I would like to walk around your lovely home by myself because one never knows where a clue might appear.’
‘Of course Mr Watkins ‘My husband Richard and I plus our two lovely children Maddie and Marcus will wait for you out in the kitchen.’
With a small nod Watkins wanders away looking for clues beginning upstairs.
In the kitchen Richard and Amy giggle ‘Watkins is obviously ripping off Hercule Poirot from the Agatha Christie novels with his white suit, Panama hat, dyed black hair and fake moustache.’
‘It could have been worse Amy’ he could have come as Mis Marple.’
‘I am afraid that Miss Marple was unavailable today’ Watkins deadpans as he enters the kitchen.
Richard and Amy both turn a deep shade of red ‘Sorry Mr Watkins we didn’t mean anything by with our comments.
‘It is quite alright I assure you’ Watkins mutters from the kitchen window.
‘Would you like a cup of coffee William’ Amy offers.’
‘No thank you Mrs Rothschild but I must be off, your case has been solved.’
‘WHAT, but you have only been here five minutes.’
‘Mr Rothschild I only follow the clues and they have led me to believe that your missing socks are located in the dog kennel out yonder’ Watkins proclaims whilst pointing at the offending structure.
‘Scruffy? Marcus queries ‘But why would little scruff take our socks?
‘Well it is elementary dear boy’ and yes I know that that is a quote attributed to my detective friend Sherlock Holmes but I am sure that he wouldn’t mind me borrowing it for this case.’
‘Now would you all please follow me out to the kennel and I shall demonstrate my findings.’
Marcus has no idea what the weird little man is talking about but he does as demanded.
Hearing footsteps approaching Scruffy a small Scottish Terrier with a big attitude comes out to see who is intruding in his space.
‘Watkins bends down to let the dog sniff the back of his hand ‘I wouldn’t do that if I were you’ Maddie pipes in ‘Scruffy is likely to jump up and rip your face off.
But Scruffy has taken a shine to Watkins and licks his hand in glee ‘Now Scruffy, I know that you have a huge collection of socks inside your abode but your kind owners miss those socks very much and would like them returned post haste.’
With a bark and a guilty look on his face the little dog runs into his kennel and quickly returns with a mouth full of socks and after a few minutes of running back and forth a total of fifty two misplaced socks lay on the grass.
‘How did you work everything out so quickly’ Richard asks ‘I knew as soon as I saw the little doggy door leading out into your backyard that the culprit was none other Scruffy.’
‘But why in the hell would scruffy take the socks in the first place?
‘Mrs Rothschild socks soak up a lot of sweat and when you and husband are out and your delightful children are at school scruffy quickly gets bored and lonely, he steals the socks because they smell of his family so when he feels a little down he goes into his kennel and the odour calms him down because in his mind he thinks that his family is nearby.’
‘The case of the missing socks has been solved but may I suggest that you give scruffy more attention and also buy another small dog to give scruffy some company.’
‘My bill will be in the mail, please pay promptly or I shall sick scruffy onto you.’
THE END.
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