It isn’t any fun getting old

You have to really concentrate

when people talk.

Cause my hearing isn’t the best.

I walked out to the letter box

the other day,to collect the mail.

And halfway back

I had to stop for a rest.

I lay back watching some Tv

in my leather recliner

drinking a cup of tea

Jesus,I gotta do another pee.

On my way to the bathroom

I feel a little bit of Mr Arthur Ritis

in my left knee.

After a few drip’s and drop’s,which

could hardly be called a pee.

I headed back to my TV.

Old Man Blue’s

I cant find my shoe’s

I got to stop writing now.

It is time for my afternoon snooze.

It is tea time.

Maybe I qualify for Meal’s On Wheel’s

Where everything is mashed and taste’s

like

crap.

God,I feel like another nap.

Seeing that I don’t qualify for the old folk’s

mobile service.

I just make some cheese on toast.

That is the kind of food that I love the most.

Old Man Blue’s

Why is there so much hair up my nose?

I ask the question

But nobody know’s

It is time for bed

I put my teeth into a cup

The missus ask’s

‘How about a roll in the clover?’

Three second’s later,it is all over.

I will see a doctor about my fast finishing

And my floppy disk.

My doctor is a friend,so what’s the risk?

I don’t want everyone to know I am having

trouble downstair’s.

It’s only been in recent time’s

I was caught unaware’s.

Old Man Blue’s

My teeth are not my own

and neither are my hip’s.

They are made out of plastic;

I should be sponsored by Tupperware

People look,people stare.

I walked into the chemist

to buy some Depend’s.

You know,the old folk’s nappy.

I was feeling something.

But it wasn’t happy.

I am thinking about joining a bowling

club.

Bowling in the midday sun.

Where my wrinkle’s start to crinkle

I feel like Rip Van Winkle.

My hair has gone from brown to grey.

Can you repeat that?

What did you say?

Old Man Blue’s

I got to take twenty pill’s a day

To try to keep the undertaker at bay.

But when my time is up

I want have much to say.

I went shopping the other day

Pushing my wonky wheeled trolley

When a kid walked up to me and said

‘Hey mister,where is my lollie?’

I forgot to bring my shopping list.

I bought milk instead of bread.

There is something happening inside

my head.

I go to the car park,and I have forgotten

where I have parked my car.

I just walk around in circle’s,going from

bay to bay.

Nobody listen’s to a word I say.

I may be old,but I am young at heart.

Yes,I may walk with a stick

And do the occasional fart.

But I am still a person

Everybody let’s one go.

I may be feeble,I might be slow.

I may stop,when you say go.

Old Man Blue’s

Where’s my prescription?

I take a lot of pill’s

Too many to mention

Sorry what were you saying?

Did you ask a question?

Maybe I should apply for the old age

pension.

Now I am really showing my age.

Get me some money to play the pokie’s

Spend my time in an old age daze.

Old Man Blue’s

I cant find my shoe’s

Or my car key’s,or my wallet.

Where did I put my teeth?

Or the remote for the TV.

I look,but I don’t really see.

I know that one day God will tap

me on the shoulder.

Then I know I wont be getting any

older.

This story is dedicated to

Brian MacCarthy haha.

This is what happen’s when you listen to

a balloon

When I was a little kid,about six year’s old

I think.

I had a friend who was a bit different from my

other friend’s.

You see,my friend was a balloon.

We became friend’s at Christmas time

My mother was blowing up red and green

balloon’s to hang near the Christmas tree.

But for some reason there was one blue balloon

in the pack of red and green.

I knew straight away that that balloon was mine.

My mother blew up the blue balloon,and handed

it to me.

Attached to a five foot long piece of string.

Now I know you wont believe this,but I swear,the

blue balloon,told me his name.

I heard his voice in my head’My name is Ollie,and I

will be your friend for life.’

I thought,how can I balloon talk without a mouth.

But I definently heard him talk.

I went into my room and got a black texta.

And I gave Ollie a face.

A mouth,eye’s,a nose,and some hair.

My mother called to me that it was tea time.

So I went downstair’s to the kitchen,and tied

Ollie to the back of my chair.

And I picked up my knife and fork.

And then Ollie started to talk in my head.

We sat there for a while chatting back and forth.

My mother asked me who I was talking to.

I just pointed at Ollie,and I gave my mother a look.

Surely she can hear Ollie talking,cant she see his

lip’s moving.

My mother give’s me a look,as if to say.

Whatever keep’s you happy son.

I need to use the bath room.

So I untie Ollie and take him with me,so my

mother cant stick him with a pin.

I am standing there doing a wee,and I can feel

Ollie’s eye’s staring into my back.

I think’Dont be silly’,as I shake off my willy.

Balloon’s cant see.

Then Ollie start’s to talk again,and he tell’s  me

that wherever I go he has to go as well.

So nothing bad can happen.

I think I am going nut’s,as Ollie’s voice fill’s my

head.

And then I think about the other kid’s at school

and what they will think of Ollie.

The next morning I arrive at school,with Ollie

holding my hand,via a length of string.

The other kid’s see me and start pointing and

laughing.

They ask me’What’s with the balloon’.

And I tell them that the balloon is my friend Ollie

and that he can talk.

Well all their mouth’s drop,they cant believe what

they have heard.

A talking balloon,is all to much for kid’s to under stand.

They say that if the balloon can talk,let’s hear him.

So they pick up some rock’s and start throwing them

at Ollie,to try to make him talk.

But Ollie doesn’t talk,he start’s to scream.

He scream’s in my head.

The screaming wont stop.

It just goes on and on.

I tie Ollie to a fence post,while I go into class.

It will be good to get some peace and quiet.

But the peace and quiet doesn’t last for long.

‘Come and get me don’t leave me alone’

Over and over again,all day long.

That voice fill’s my head.

The school bell goes for the end of the day.

I race and untie Ollie and tell him to stop talking.

But he doesn’the just goes on and on.

I think my head is going to explode.

I have had enough

So I pick up a pin from the kitchen table

And I stick it in Ollie.

With a bang Ollie explode’s

Ollie is deflated.

Oh yes,the sweet sound of silence.

I do all my homework,watch some TV.

Then it is time for bed.

I brush my teeth,say goodnight to my

parent’s,and climb into bed.

A couple of hour’s later I am woken by a

tapping on my bedroom window.

I cant believe my eye’s.

Cause floating  there is Ollie,inflated.

With a band aid over the pin hole.

If look’s could kill.i would be dead now.

With a murderous stare,Ollie start’s screaming

in my head.

You might have a pin,but I have a gun,and pretty

soon I am gonna have some fun.’

As quiet as a kid can be I race downstair’s,go to

my school bag,and pull out my slingshot.

I race outside,to my bedroom window.

And Ollie is still floating there.

Our eye’s meet,and before Ollie can do anything.

I load my slingshot with a stone,and from about

twenty feet I aim and hit Ollie.

Ollie explode’s and fall’s to the ground at my feet.

I pick up Ollie,race upstair’s,throw him in the toilet

and press flush.

I press that button ten time’s,just to make sure Ollie

has been flushed away.

The next morning thing’s are back to normal.

I go to school on the bus,talk to my friend’s.

The thought of Ollie doesn’t even enter my head.

When I arrive at school,i cant believe my eye’s.

There before me are over a thousand blue

balloon’s floating around the school ground’s.

Just then I feel something snap inside my head.

And I know I am no longer a kid.

I am just a shell.

Ollie has gotten his revenge.

I now reside in a home for the bewildered.

I sleep in a padded room.

And eat with a plastic spoon.

I have tube’s coming out of different part’s of

my body.

Trying to keep me stable.

All I can think about are blue balloon’s

especially one named Ollie.

He is Cain I am Abel.

This is a story about a renegade vegetable

who got tired of being stuck in the ground

He wanted to move around.

Out in my vegetable patch

live’s a very strange Bean.

Not a broad Bean,not a string Bean.

But the strangest Bean,you have ever seen.

Little Green Bean,was tired of having it’s root’s

stuck in the ground.

Being on the vine is all good and fine.

But Little Green Bean wanted to live,give

everything a try.

Before he ended up in a stir fry.

While he hung on the vine all day,getting all

the heat from the Sun.

Something was happening to the Little Green

Bean.

Now this Little Green Bean,is’nt a Mexican Jumping

Bean.

And Jack and the Beanstalk,is nowhere to be seen.

The star of this story is the Little Green Bean.

A stranger Bean you have never seen.

Well the thing that was happening to the Little

Green Bean.

Was something better then the most vivid of

imagination’s.

Much  better then the dawn of creation.

The Little Green Bean started to grow arm’s

and leg’s.

And then it grew a head.

It was no longer a Little Green Bean

It was a Human Bean.

The Human Bean crawled down from the vine.

And started to whisper,in what you could say,

was a voice.

It started to whisper to the Carrot’s and Pea’s.

It walked over to the Herb garden,and whispered

some word’s of wisdom.

We are going to rise up,and start our own kingdom.

Soon all the vegetable’s and Herb’s are getting

together.

Shedding their root’s and leave’s.

Talking about a Revolution when vegetable’s  rule

the world.

The Little Green Bean get’s on the Grapevine

To try and spread the word.

‘We are Vegetable’s,We will be heard’.

The Little Green Bean,is tired of all the talk about

Beef,Chicken,and different cut’s of meat.

With the Vegetable’s pushed to the side.

Now that thr Vegetable,s are on the march

you better run and hide.

But the renegade Vegetable’s didn’t count on

human revenge attack.

And their number one weapon

Sergeant Pest A Side.

Sergeant Pest A Side went on the offensive,and

sprayed the whole Vegetable patch.

The Vegetable’s have come to realise that they

have met their match.

The Vegetable rebellion has come to a sudden end.

You know Carrot’s and Pea’s can only put up so

much resistance.

They wore their raincoat’s and held up their

Umbrella’s,but the pesticide got through.

Don’t let no one tell you that Vegetable’s are

yellow.

Cause they are really a good bunch of fellow’s.

The Vegetable’s have fought the fight

but the fight is over.

They have gone back to living with the weed’s

and Clover.

But the Little Green Bean is still there if you look

close enough.

He might be Green,but he is mighty tough.

https://stevenjohnstonblog.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=176&action=edit#Now that it is Christmas time,it is time for a Christmas

story.It all began……

Way up in the North Pole,where it can get kind of cold.

Live’s Santa and his wife,and all of his little helper’s

who love to tell Santa that he is looking old.

While Santa and Mrs Claus are in the back room making

some loving.

There are all sort’s of cup cake’s baking in the oven.

The little helper’s are all running around making a lot of noise

With tiny hammer’s,they make lot’s and lot’s of toyshttps://stevenjohnstonblog.wordpress.com/wp-admin/post.php?post=176&action=edit#

Santa walk’s into the room,with a satisfied smile

After all he has just run a horizontal mile.

Mrs Claus is bow legged she can hardly walk

All she can do is talk and talk and talk.

All of the little helper’s help themselve’s to some

cup cake’s and milk.

They sit around on cushion’s made of satin and silk.

The boss little helper is an old man called Melvin the

Elf.

He is kind of lonely,he has been left on the shelf

Even with the price marked down,he still cant find

himself a wife.

He is tired of the long lonely night’s.

Melvin is the boss,and his leading hand is an elf called Billy

Bob,Billy Bob is cruel,he rule’s with an iron fist,Billy Bob is a

knob.

Melvin and Billy Bob are alway’s arguing about the schedule

and the overtime.

Billy Bob want’s to be top dog he know’s that if some thing happen’s

to Melvin,the top job is his,all his.

Melvin supervise’s as the little helper’s work at a frantic pace.

They have a deadline to beat,if they want to win the race.

Before they know it,Christmas eve is here

They have beat the dead line,and they give a hearty cheer.

While Santa celebrate’s with bowl of nut’s and beer.

Biily Bob has got the whip out and yell’s at the elve’s to

hurry up and load the sleigh.

The little helper’s hate to be pushed and goaded.

The sleigh is finally filled to the brim,and overflowing.

Santa look’s at his watch and say’s’We should get going’

Santa check’s the reindeer’s,Rudolph snort’s and his red

nose glows

Mrs Claus take’s a photo,while the group strike a pose.

With a wave to Mrs Claus,Santa gives a signal,and the

reindeer take to the sky.

With a final look behind him Santa waves goodbye.

With a built in radar,the reindeer head to the south.

While Billy Bob in the back seat is running off his mouth.

Melvin sit’s beside him,champing at the bit.

Because deep down he know’s that he is Santa’s favourite

Melvin doesn’t know it but Billy Bob is hatching up a plan

He better watch out,cause Billy Bob is a very bad man

I say man,but I really mean an elf.

Billy Bob doesn’t care about anybody but himself.

With a little smirk,Billy Bob give’s Melvin a little push.

And Melvin disappear’s over the side,with  little whoosh.

The sleigh is over Canada,at a place called Winnipeg

Melvin tumble’s to earth,lucky not to break a leg.

Melvin hit’s the ground with an almighty splatter

All the local wild life run like hell and scatter

Lucky for Melvin the ground is covered in snow,and he

doesn’t even get a bruise.

What Melvin doesn’t know is that he just made the front

page new’s.

A local girl,named Dora,is out taking photo’s,of the fauna

and flora.

She see’s a tiny little man appear from out of the sky.

She run’s over to Melvin,and say’s a shy little hi.

Melvin brush’s the snow from his clothes.

Was it love at first sight,no one really know’s.

But Melvin is smitten,seeing Dora in her snowsuit and

mitten’s.

Melvin standing upright only come’s up to Dora’s shoulder

But Melvin is staring at what is inside Dora’s over the

shoulder boulder holder.

With a little rush Melvin explain’s the situation.

He want’s Dora to help him,and she does with some

gentle persuasion.

Santa meanwhile is still heading in a southerly direction.

Then he turns around in his seat to ask Melvin a question

Seeing the empty seat beside’s Billy Bob,Santa say’s’where

is Melvin,What have you done Billy Bob?

Billy Bob just shrugged,and said’Melvin was drunk and fell out’

Santa know’s that this is a lie,because Melvin doesn’t drink.

Santa pause’s,and has a little think.

He has come to a decision,and he turn’s the reindeer around.

Billy Bob is seething and scream’s a silent sound.

Melvin and Dora have also had time to think.

They will build a new sleigh,made out of spare part’s,even

the kitchen sink.

Wheel’s from a stage coach,the body from a vintage car.

They need something solid to fly beyond the northern star.

Being a toy builder for many year’s,Melvin get’s to the task

with ease.

Melvin build’s a sleigh with blood,sweat and tears.

Santa is racing back to find the friend he is seeking

He just hopes that Melvin is wearing his sat nav beacon.

Lucky for him Melvin is wearing his sat nav.

They continue to build the sleigh with everything that

they have.

Thing’s are coming together,but what they need are some

reindeer,or maybe some horses.

But there are none to be found,of course.

Then Dora say’s’I know we can use some of my father’s cow’s’

They will get to the north pole by any means anyhow’s.

So they rustle up some cow’s,and tie them to the sleigh.

The cow’s don’t know to do,what to say.

One minute they are munching on some grass.

Next they have some contraption tied to their arse.

Melvin is ready to take off,but the cow’s don’t move

So Melvin,stand’s up and yell’s’Get ya finger’s out,you

frigging cow’s’

The cow’s just stand there dumbfounded,and drop some

patti’es on the earth.

They are about to go to the place of Melvin’s birth.

But before they get a moving,they here a HO,HO,HO.

Santa’s sleigh slowly comes into vision,what a sight for

sore eye’s.

Santa’s sleigh skid’s to a stop.an angel from the sky.

Melvin and Dora rush to Santa’s side with a smile.

Santa has saved the day,he has gone the extra mile

Billy Bob jumps from the sleigh all hateful and cruel.

But he has forgotten one golden rule.

You don’t get on santa’s bad side,cause he can hold a

grudge for life.

If you get on his bad side,you are in a whole lot of stife.

Billy Bob is banished,and told to sit down and shut up

Billy Bob’s life is about to go from bad to worse

He is tied to a tree,at the mercy of the animal’s

He will be nibbled at,by some very nasty mammals

After a quick feed and water,the reindeer are ready to

leave.

There are toys to be delivered,slow and steady if you please

The reindeer take off,and the deliveries are made all through

the night.

The kid’s all around the world will wake up to a beautiful sight

After sliding down countless chimney’s,and eating milk and

cookies.

Santa has called it a night.

After helping with the deliverie’s Melvin and Dora,like Santa

are ready to head on home.

They point the reindeer northward,they have many mile’s

to roam.

Early the next morning,Mrs Claus hears the sleigh skid to a

stop.

She let’s out a sigh of relief,and feel’s her heart dop.

After another successful year,full of Christmas cheer.

Mr and Mrs Claus finally put up their feet.

A lovlier couple you will never meet.

Melvin and Dor meanwhile have begun a whirlwind

romance.

There is plenty of hugging and kissing,but there is something

missing.And that is a wedding ring.

Six month’s later Melvin and Dora are married in  quiet civil

ceremony.

The honeymoon is a cruise around the Greek island’s.

Melvin is nervous,he hasn’t been with a woman in a while.

Dora look’s at her husband,and says’Leave it all to me.’

She is not called Dora the explorer for nothing.

Bizz,Bizz,Bizz,Bizz

For God,s sake is it that time already?

My alarm clock is going off,it sound’s like

the Devil’s chainsaw.

I press the snooze button,and go back to

sleep,but nine minute’s later.

Bizz,Biz,Bizz,Bizz

That sound is messing with my head

Bizz,Bizz,Bizz,Bizz

Jesus,that sound is driving me insane.

It is Monday morning,the weekend went too

fast.

Monday morning blue,s,I cant find my shoe’s

I am getting dressed in the dark.

I have a little wee,and rub the sleep from my eye’s.

And I walk toward’s the kitchen.

Grue,Grue,Grue,Grue

My housemate is whipping up a concoction in the

blender.

Cacao powder,coconut oil,honey,chia seed’s,almond’s

avacado’s.

Grue,Grue,Grue,Grue

That sound remind’s me that it is the first day of the

working week.

Grue,Grue,Grue,Grue

The blender is going full bore,whipping up a bright green

smoothie.

Grue,Grue,Grue,Grue

I don’t know what it taste,s like,but the colour is kind

of cool.

O h well time to get into my car and drive to work

Beep,Beep,Beep,Beep

What’s that dickhead doing honking his horn

I am sure I have the right of way.

Beep,Beep,Beep,Beep

Oh shit,maybe not, I might have drifted into his lane

Beep,Beep,Beep,Beep

Ok,I get the message,now get off your horn,before I

stick it where the sun don’t shine.

I arrive at work,bleary eyed,feeling like a piece of crap

Get out of my car and do the long walk to the factory

Bluh,Bluh,Bluh,Bluh

That is the sound of the mundane

Bluh,Bluh,Bluh,Bluh

Every day is the freaking same

Bluh,Bluh,Bluh,Bluh

I am on the checking line

Bluh,Bluh,Bluh,Bluh

I am feeling anything but fine

2.30PM has come around,another work

day is over.

I get changed and make my way to my car

I open the car door,turn the key,and

Click,Click,Click,Click

Goddamnit a flat battery,that is just great

Click,Click,Click,Click

The engine wont turn over,i get on the phone and

call for road service.

They arrive really promptly,it only take’s them three

hour’s

My mood has gone from bad to worse,and I let out

a silent curse.

But I am finally driving home

Ring,Ring,Ring,Ring

Oh,that is my mobile phone,i cant reach it

Ring,Ring,Ring,Ring

I finally get the phone from the pocket,and put the

phone to my ear.

Whoop,Whoop,Whoop,Whoop

Oh hell the police are right behind me,waving me

over.

Whoop,Whoop,Whoop,Whoop

Okay Mr policeman,i heard you the first time

The cop is friendly enough as he hand’s me my fine

$400 for talking on the phone whilst driving

I finally get home,go inside,and sit down with with

a cool drink.

Knock,Knock,Knock,Knock

What now,i go to the door and two guy’s in suit’s are

tying to spread the word,i close the door.

Knock,Knock,Knock,Knock

What now,The kid from two door’s up want’s to go fishing,

I say not now,maybe tomorrow

Knock,Knock,Knock,Knock

Jesus,It is like Pitt Street,I don’t even answer the door.

Finally I can relax

Bang,Bang,Bang,Bang

The house next door is being renovated

Bang,Bang,Bang,Bang

Jesus,are they digging their way to China

Bang,Bang,Bang,Bang

Power saw’s,back hoe’s,jack hammer’s

is there a tool out there that they don’t own

9.30 It is time for bed,I lay down,close my eye’s

Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof

God that dog next door is barking up a team

Woof,,Woof,Woof,Woof

Midnight,and I am still awake.

Woof,Woof,Woof,Woof

God,no wonder that dog’s name is Cujo.

At around 3.00 I get a little sleep,then

Bizz,Bizz,Bizz,Bizz

Another day,what can I say?

I know this might sound crazy,but I am currently

living in a stranger’s skin.

I don’t know myself anymore,I cast no shadow.

Am I still alive?

I used to be left footed,now I kick with my right

I used to be a bit of a wimp,now I can fight

My brain is thinking straight,it must belong to someone

else.

My vision is crystal clear,so why am I wearing glasses?

My favourite fruit is a banana,so why am I eating an apple?

Before I couldn’t win at anything,so why do I win when I

grapple.

I used to have long hair,so why is it now short?

I used to score goal’s at soccer,but now I am scoring nought

I used to be a good kid,so why is my hand in the cookie jar?

I used to be a teetotaller,so why am I sitting in a bar?

Stranger’s skin,it is kind of a tight fit.

Stranger’s skin,is there another size?

I used to have skin ink free,so why do I have a tattoo?

I don’t know who I am,I used to be me,now I am you

I used to like to wear hat’s,so why is my head bare?

I used to go freeballing,so why do I now wear underwear

I used to go for long walks,so why do I now just sit on the

lounge.

I used to have a good job,now all I do scrouge

My favourite TV show is Seinfeld,so why am I watching Ellen

I used to quiet and mellow,so why am I freaking yelling

I used to have a long nose,so why is it now a little slope?

I used to a optimist,now I have I hope

Stranger’s skin,It really is starting to itch

Stranger’s skin,life can be such a bitch

My favourite colour is blue,so why am I wearing red?

I used to be the handed bandit,so why am I now so good

in bed.

I used to be clean shaven,so why am I now sporting a beard?

I used to kind and gentle,so why am I now ferocious and feared?

I used to like hard rock music,so why do I now like Justin Beider?

Y’know,what can I say,i have caught the Beiber fever

I used to go to bed really early,now I stay up all night

I used to like to go fishing,now I just go to the fish and chip shop

I used to be a fucking thief,now I am a uniformed cop

I used to like to like scary movies,now I watch documentaries

I used to be rude to people,now I am very complimentary

I used to be a litter bug,now I throw it all in the bin

I used to go to church on Sunday,now all I do is sin

Stranger’s skin,never goe’s out of style

Stranger’s skin,i think I will wear it for a while

But when you think about it,your skin is only the outer layer

It is what is inside,that really matter’s

So just be the best person that you can be.

So whether your skin is white,black or brown.

It doesn’t really matter,cause we are all the same.

If you live in the Newcastle,Lake Macquarie area

and you read the papers,watch the news or surfed

the net,you would have heard of the great white shark

that has been sighted in the lake.

Seeing that the water is salty,the great white feels right

at home.

It swims around,moving it’s tail from side to side.

It loves to feast and roam.

It was first spotted a few weeks ago,by some fishermen

in a boat.

What a surprise,they couldn’t believe their eyes.

Now that is something worthy to note.

This great white is different from the other sharks.

It has a couple of notches in it’s rear fin.

But the great white couldn’t care less,it just wants some

din din.

But the thing you notice the most,is a big hook in the corner

of it’s gob.

God it must be painful,it must hurt a bit.

With the notches in it’s fin,and a hook in it’s mouth,it sure

does stick out from the mob.

So this great white,with the overbite,because of the hook

It’s real name is George,but his friends call him,the sook.

They are all over his constant whining and moaning.

They say’Come on be a man,grow up and go grow a pair’

‘Cause,if you don’t you can go live away from here.’

‘If you don’t stop complaining,you can go and live in the lake.

‘So go on,give us all some peace for heavens sake.

So George the great white with an overbite,leaves his home

and swims into the lake,into the great unknown.

For the first time in his life he is on his own.

He is feeling a bit down,he has never been this far from home.

So George the great white with the overbite,swims around

aimlessly,his mouth is really sore.

He tries to ignore the pain,he tries with all his might.

But he knows that he needs some help,he cant stand it anymore.

Two kids are splashing around,fooling around in the water off

Croudace Bay.

One of the kids notice’s a fin, and screams out SHARK,plus

a few words that his mother would never say.

The fin begins to circle around,and the kids are becoming a bit

frantic.

A few more choice words come out of their mouth’s.

Their eye’s are as big as saucer’s,and their stomach’s are

heading south.

George the great white,does’nt understand,he doesn’t mean

them any harm.

He just wants this pesky hook removed from his mouth.

He really could use some sort of balm,some sort of pill,or

a magic potion.

Some sort of elixier or some calamine lotion.

The two kids have gone,who said you cant walk on water?

They didn’t just walk,they swam at break neck speed.

They didn’t want to hang around and watch the great white

feed(on them).

George the great white doesn’t understand what all the fuss

is about.

Why wont somebody help him?

George is becoming depressed,he is missing his family and

friends.

He just want’s to get back to normal,he just want’s his mouth

and heart to mend.

He really need’s to eat,but because of the hook and overbite

he cant get his mouth to close.

It’s razor sharp teeth are pretty useless,if he cant close his

mouth.

George is getting desperate,he really cant take it anymore.

And with a shake of his tail he swims towards to shore.

Bill and Bob are two employee’s at Bolton Point Marina.

They are on a lunch break,eating pie’s with sauce.

One is short and skinny,the other looks like Frank Farina.

They are running late of course.

Heading back to work,they look towards the water.

And they cant believe their eye’s,a great white shark,has

beached itself near the boat shed.

It is shaking it’s body,and has something sticking out of

it’s head.

They race down to the shore line to get a better look,they

cant believe what they are seeing.

They look in it’s mouth and see a dirty great big hook.

And think’Now that is gonna take some freeing.’

George the great white,has come to realise,that maybe

help has arrived

He is getting weak,he is that he is still alive.

He is hoping to be free before the next low tide.

Bill and Bob meanwhile have gone to get some tools,a

hammer,screwdriver and some plier’s,and a saw.

They mightn’t look like it,but they are nobody’s fool’s.

They arrive back at the water’s edge,a crowd has gathere

around.

You could hear a pin drop,nobody makes a sound.

Bill and Bob are a bit wary,they don’t want to lose a finger

or their arms.

So gingerly Bob probed with the plier’s,and with a squishy

sound the hook came free.

George has half of hisbody up on the sand.

He doesn’t know if he will make it

But make it he will,you’ll see.

George start’s to rock back and forth,trying to return to the

water.

Bill and Bob,and a few of the other bystander’s,rush to give

a helping hand.

And they push George into the water and off the sand.

George cant believe it,he is foot loose and fancy free

With a shake of his tail he heads toward the mouth of the lake,

at a place called Swansea.

He is going home to his family,he is leaving the lake and going

back to the deep blue sea.

Did George really leave?No one really know’s

Just be careful where you swim,cause anything goes!

Around 10,000 years ago,in the last ice age

Lived a clan of people,who lived in a dangerous

rage.

Their quality of life was being taken away

They were getting taken over by a rival clan

and they weren’t going to have a say

The children of the clan were playing around

And they decided to build a snowman,that looked

like a clown.

So with buttons for eyes and a carrot for a nose

it looked sort of like a clown I suppose.

The kids didn’t know that the adults were in a bit

of a dilemma.

If things kept on going on the same course.

Things were going to go from bad to worse.

The snowman meanwhile felt the vibrations of the

conflict.

And every time he felt the vibrations he started to

melt.

His emotions were spilling over,they were heart felt.

The snowman was just standing there,it was stuck

in place.

It was still melting,there was a patch missing from

his face.

As long as the conflict lasted the snowman would

continue to melt.

He felt every vibration,he was shrinking,he needed

another notch in his belt.

The rival clan came down from the mountains,and

struck just before day break.

They were met with little resistance,the walls of the

city crumbled.

Just get it over and done with for goodness sake.

The snowman who was originally five foot tall.

Was now only four foot,i guess you could call him

small.

The leader of the losing clan was trying to fight the

fight.

But the rival clan had taken too big of a bite.

The snowman was melting faster then a block

of ice.

This rival clan were nasty,they weren’t very nice.

The leader of the losing clan was calling for

reinforcements.

He was calling out far and wide.

He wanted to fight like a man,not run and hide.

The snowman was still melting,he could feel the

badness in the air.

There was an evil stench that that permenated

everywhere.

The leader of the losing clan was trying to fight

off the invaders.

But he was running out of men,and he couldn’t

stop the misbehavers.

The snowman was melting still,if the fighting didn’t

stop,he would be nothing more then a puddle.

So before he melted away to nothing.

The snowman looked to the sky,closed his eyes

and said a little prayer.

He wished for a miracle,cause he could see that the

options,were few and far between.

They were being defeated by the invaders,those

nasty misbehavers.

The invaders meanwhile had gathered in the town hall

to celebrate the upcoming victory.

But they celebrated too much,there was too much drinking

Their brains had stop thinking,and they didn’t see the

warning signs.

The snowman was still melting,but it had slowed down.

He looked to the heavens and saw the black clouds

gathering.

It looked like his prayer was being answered.

Then there was an almighty bang,as the thunder and

lightning rolled in.

The snowman said a silent thanks,it looked like goodness

was going to prevail.

A drone of lightning hit the town hall,with an electrifying

flash.

The invaders had done their dash.

The town hall caught on fire,the invaders inside in all the

confusion couldn’t find the door.

You could hear the screams from five miles away,or more.

Not one invader escaped the inferno.

They paid the ultimate price for trying to take something

that wasn’t theirs to take.

They have all gone to their graves,because they misbehaved

They wont do it again that is for sure.

The snowman meanwhile has stopped melting altogether.

He is standing upright and proud.

He is back to his usual height.

The town has won the good fight.

Everything is back to normal,the kids are running around

and throwing snow balls.

You can smell the goodness in the air.

People walk the streets without a care.

The snowman just stands there with a satisfied look on

on his face.

All the fighting and all the melting,are just a memory.

The snowman stands there,watching,waiting,anticipating

because he knows winter wont last forever.

Soon the sun will shine ,and the snowman,and the snowman

will begin to fade away,that is for sure.

And then the snowman will be no more.

Sitting on my back verandah enjoying a cup of tea

and a bikkie.

Thinking later maybe me and the missus will have

time for a quickie.

While I was pondering that thought something caught

my eye.

Down at the back of the garden,near the fountain,sits

a little gnome.

Red and white,it stands about 30cms tall.

I had bought it for a dollar,about a year ago,from a

market stall.

But I am digressing,I am only guessing,but I am only

sure I am not losing my mind.

Cause I am sure that when I last looked at the ghome

it’s arms were pointing straight to the ground.

Now they are pointing straight at me,like it wants me to

pick it up.

Well in for a penny in for a pound.

I am still half thinking about my bikkie and the sex.

Well I get up from my chair,wondering what is going to

happen next.

As I got closer to the gnome,it starts to wave it’s arms about.

I bent down to get a closer look.

When the gnome spat in my face,and said’Piss off you sook’.

I was taken aback,i thought the gnome was being friendly,but

he was anything but.

They say actions can give you pain,but words leave a deeper

cut.

I was still getting over the fact that the gnome was alive and

kicking.

I could see that the gnome thought I was ripe for the picking.

I layed down on the ground so that we could look each other

in the eye.

I was daring him to spit on me again.

He just looked at me with an evil grin and said ‘Have I got a

story for you,let me begin’.

I held up my arms and told him to stop talking,you are a garden

gnome,you are supposed to just stand there all silent not talking

and walking.

He looked at me,and said ‘I might look like a garden gnome,but I

am really a leprechaun,who got abducted when I was born’.

The garden gnome and I went up to my verandah,and I poured

him a cup of tea.

He got comfortable,looked off into the distance and started his

story just for me (and now for you).

He said his mother had told him over the the years,about how

he become to be.

It all started in Ireland in a leprechaun community on the out

skirts of Belfast.

Where my mother married a local lad,but my father drank a

lot,so the marriage didn’t last.

I was born before the marriage took place,and in the leprechaun

world,that is a complete no no.

So my mother became very wary,and she jumped at every sound

because she didn’t want the leprechaun council to come and take

me away.

But take me away they did,just two months after I was born.

My mothers soul was broken,her heart was torn.

They took me to a boy’s home for leprechaun’s born out of wedlock.

It was down there by the river,right near the shipping dock.

I stayed there until I was five years old,then some people from the

leprechaun council came and took me away,again.

They took me to a factory,where they made garden gnome’s.

Where I would be shrunk down to size,set in plaster,but I would

still be alive.

I could feel my surroundings,and I got wet when it rained,birds

do their business on my head,i just stand there,i haven’t even

got a bed.

Jesus what a story,i thought,how could the leprechaun council

be so cruel.

But the leprechaun said that he isn’t angry ‘rule’s are rule’s’.

But then the leprechaun told me some good news.

Every year for one week he becomes a leprechaun again,and

he thinks about his mother and the mew’s.

That week is now,as I am writing this story,the garden gnome

and me talking,who by the way,his name is Cory.

The garden gnome,who is now a leprechaun said ‘I only have

a week,so let’s make the most of it.

So we went camping,fishing,every day was crammed full of

fun and adventure.

On the last day the leprechaun told me that he had to be back

in his spot in the garden by midnight,ot there would be consequences

of that he is sure.

So we had one last talk,one last cup of tea.

And that is the story of the garden gnome and me.