I first met Mary Scuttlebutt back at the beginning of 2010 and I have to admit that I was a little apprehensive at first and when we finally sat down face to face for an interview at the Silverwater Correctional Facility for Women my heart sunk in my chest.

Scary Mary Scuttlebutt might look your average Australian housewife with her blonde hair and sparkling green eyes but don’t be fooled because Mary Scuttlebutt has been charged and convicted of one murder but Mary is cruel and savage having committed many heinous crimes against her fellow human beings so it would surprise no one if Mary hasn’t killed many others.

That is where I come into the picture because it is my job to delve deep into Mary’s blackened soul in an attempt to get her to open up and confess to the world that she is indeed a mass murderer.

Before I go any further, let me introduce myself.

My name is Doctor Stefan Johanssen and I have worked alongside prosecutors and the police as a criminal phycologist for over twenty years I have talked to many of Australia’s worst criminals.

My colleagues tell me that I look like a sad puppy and that is why I have been a success in my profession but while I might look soft and cuddly I assure that I am anything but.

Two burly female guards lead me down a dirty green corridor that smells of lost dignity and dreams that will never come true.

One of the guards points over to battle scarred steel table where Scary Mary is seated.

Dressed in a grey and white striped prison issue jumpsuit Mary watches me closely as i take a seat opposite her.

As i tell her who I am my eyes lock onto her hands to make sure that the killer is shackled to the heavy table ‘Don’t worry Doctor I am wearing more chains than Tu Pac so you can relax and enjoy the show but if I wasn’t tied down you would be dead meat by now.’

Mary gives me her version of a smile and I must admit that I was a little put out but compared to Ivan Milat and Neddy Smith Mary is a pussy cat but I know that a pussy cat can quickly turn into rampaging tiger.

‘I must say Mary that the grey and white jumpsuit suits you, it goes with your black heart.’

‘God one Doctor, if you were hoping for a reaction I am sorry to disappoint you because you see I am all sweetness and marshmallow inside.’

‘I can help you if you let me Mary, scream and shout if it makes you feel better, let it all out and maybe I can save from a life of misery.’

‘Doctor for someone so smart you really can be dumb, I was given a life sentence which means that I will never walk out of this hell alive so Doctor please take your sentiments and shove them up your arse.’

‘Also Doctor Kildare go back from where you came from and never return.

With that Scary Mary was escorted back to her cell.

It is now 2026 and I had almost forgotten about my encounter with Mary Scuttlebutt so I was very surprised when I received a email from Corrective Services informing me that Mary has requested another meeting where she promises to reveal all.

‘Well if it isn’t Doctor Kildare himself.’

I smile over at Mary who I must say is looking a little rough around the edges ‘Good to see you again Mary, is this just a catch because my time is precious.’

Mary’s nostrils flare in contempt but suddenly her features soften ‘You win Doctor, I was taken by you all those years ago, so I thought if I was going to tell all why not give my favourite criminal mind the scoop of the century.’

Even though she tries to look happy I notice that the years inside hasn’t been kind to her.

Her hair is now grey and the deep grooves on her face tell me that Mary is no longer the tough cookie she once was but I will put my judgement of her on the back burner for now.

Ten minutes later Mary is ready to talk so I press record and start the interview.

Q. Mary do you recall anything from your childhood that caused you to become so violent and angry.?

A. To tell you the truth Doctor I think that I was born evil, it makes me happy to see other people suffer?

Q. Can you give me an example of your cruelty?

A. Sure thing doctor, at primary school when I was eight or nine a girl in my class named Cindy Albright who thought that her shit didn’t stink so one day I smeared super glue on the toilet seat where she went to smoke because she thought that she was tough but let me tell you doctor she cried like a baby when a teacher walked her to an ambulance with the toilet seat still stuck to her bare arse.

To wind Mary up I say ‘That is pretty lame Mary nothing but a prank, what is scary about that?’

A. You want scary Doctor, I will show you scary.

On my 14th birthday someone had dumped a box of kittens in the front yard of the house where i lived, I strangled two with my hands, then I ran inside and got a balloon and after blowing it up I put the end in a kitten’s mouth and let the air out.

After that I grabbed the kitten by its tail, swung it around my head a few times then I threw that cat as hard as I could and it landed with a splat on next doors roof.

The last two I carried inside to the kitten and shoved them into the microwave, they cooked for a few minutes before exploding.

My mother rushed in and after seeing what I had done she screamed at me ‘What in the hell have you done this time you scary little bitch.’

I was proud but I spent two years in a girl’s home where I learnt even more was to inflict pain.

Q. I have read all the reports about your stay at Riverwood Juvenile Detention Centre Mary and how you used to terrorize the other girls there, but I want to talk about the two girls who were found dead in their cells.

Tina Malone and Beth Studdert both 14 years old suffered horrific injuries in what the authorities described as targeted attacks.

Would you happen to know what happened to both girls and how the CCTV on the days that the girls were murdered happened to cease working.

A. Shit happens Doctor, Tina and Beth were selling drugs inside and undercutting my own wheeling and dealing.

I gave them several warnings that they choose to ignore so they had to go.

One of the guards I found out was having sex with some of the girls so I confronted him and told him that if he didn’t turn off the cameras on a certain day I would expose him and make sure that he ended up inside.

You should have seen the look on their faces when I sliced them open like a sack of spuds, they squealed in fright until I put them down.

Q. You sound proud of yourself Mary, don’t you feel any remorse.

A. Why should I doctor? My life has been a shit show for as long as I can remember so don’t ask me to feel any sympathy for anyone who was crazy enough to get in my way.

I enjoy inflicting pain Doctor and if I were you I would walk out now because I am mighty tired of all of your stupid questions.

Seeing that Mary is close to the edge I decide to push her further.

Q. Mary I will leave when I am good and ready so enough with the attitude, now tell how many of your four husbands did you murder?

Mary’s face turns a deep purple colour, she is furious ready to explode.

A. I LOVED ALL OF MY HUSBANDS, IS IT MY FAULT THAT LARRY, PAUL AND ALBERT MY FIRST THREE HUSBANDS HAD WEAK HEARTS?

SURE I GAVE THEM A LITTLE PUSH INTO AN EARLY GRAVE BUT THEY WOULD HAVE DIED EVENTUALLY, SO WHATS THE PROBLEM.

NOW BRETT MY FORTH HUSBAND WAS ONE MEAN MOTHERFUCKER WHO LIKED TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME EVERY CHANCE HE GOT.

AFTER THREE YEARS DEALING WITH HIS CRAP I WENT TO BUNNINGS AND BOUGHT MYSELF A SHINY NEW AXE.

WHEN I GOT BACK HOME THE SCUMBAG WAS WATCHING PORN ON HIS LAPTOP SO I SWUNG THAT AXE AS HARD AS I COULD AND WOULDN’T YOU KNOW HIS MOTHERFUCKING HEAD EXPLODED LIKE AN OVER RIPE WATERMELON.

I am sorry to hear that your last husband mistreated you Mary, but instead of burying an axe in his head you should have left the house and got a divorce because now you will spend the rest of your life behind bars.

Plus you will be charged with four more counts of murder which will ensure that you will never be a menace to society ever again.

Q. Are there any more crimes that you might want to confess to me about before I leave Mary?

A. I am done with confessing doctor Kildare and you know what? I have no intention of spending another minute in this shithole.

Before Mary’s final words compute with my brain she pulled a sharpened green toothbrush from inside her sleeve and slammed her head down hard killing herself instantly.

Scary Mary was quite contrary but her end was rather fitting I thought.

THE END.

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